~*Forever Dreaming*~

sigh. family drama. hoo fucking ray. this is all rambly. swearing and prolly tmi of my life that no one cares for.
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bad enough i'm dealing with personal health probs, my friend paranoia raging high again, now this. I just feel numb.
sorry all, just needed to get this out.

So tomorrow's my birthday. I'll be 26. I figure it's been too long of too many just archived twitter messages and thought a real post was needed. Well, I've been wanting to post for a few weeks now, of various things. Of the major meta-ing i wanted to do when i jumped into the nu!trek fandom (yep, star trek has been keeping my attenting for a bit now despite having originally disliked the new movie), of a recent death in the neighborhood but it was like family, of the ups and downs i go through daily and, of course of my birthday tomorrow. Nothing special as it is the middle week and lately my mind hasn't been able to comprehend PLANNING AHEAD (and with what's tentatively planned for July, that's a bad thing). My parents took the day off but mum has a doctor's appointment and she got called in for jury duty. dunno really why my father took the day off as he didn't have anything really planned either. But he needs the rest when he can so I don't mind.

Pretty much didn't pass any of my classes in the spring as I kinda just gave up at spring break. i think part of it was crushed that i couldn't make up a class and it would take me longer to get out of City.

Had planned to take one class in the summer but never got around to it. had planned to get a job too but as i'm too selfish to not cancel my july plans, and not being able to find the kind of job i wanted (earlier on, haven't checked recently) jobless. Well, I have a web design commission, but dunno how much I'll get paid for that. I'm just hoping it'll cover my plane ride to LA for a masq that my mum doesn't want me to go to cause she's probably babied me too much in life she doesn't know how not to freak out when i do things with out them (in the rare times that I do do such things).

Told pip the other day I wanted to take a break (which is funny since tech haven't i been on break since the better part of the year?) and not have to worry about school... i'm so freaking close yet feeling so far. but i'm seriously sick of school. there were classes i enjoyed, and Japanese was fun but since I can't take any more till i'm in a different school it feels like why bother... but damn it if a degree didn't help me get the jobs i want.

i wish i had the proper discipline to freelance. i think i could at least make an okay income freelancing and networking. but i'm so lazy, it's really ridiculous and sad y'all. i have the ideas, but no energy to write... to get that novel i promised myself years ago i'd have written before i turned 26...

But tomorrow I'll be 26 and a quarter of my life will be done and what have I done with that first quarter? Nothing that'll keep me going for the next. Don't mind me, just being a bit melodramatic atm.

As much as they hurt me, I miss my old friends. With them I had this illusion of a great close friendship, of believing that people not my family were thinking of me on a daily basis (and i them), and of being cared for in a way that only a physical frienship could. I still have a bit of that, luckily, with some of my HS friends and I'm so grateful for that. And I know that if not for y'all, my online friends, I dunno where I'd be right now, that I wouldn't have the happieness I do have (thank you so much for being here). I don't think I've healed from their breakup so I cling to the ones I have and only make half the effort I used to because I'm afraid anymore and I'll be once again that way-too-clingy-why-are-we-friends kind of person that Tony & Cory and a few other people accused me of being back in the day.

Ugh, maybe I need to get laid... (hah, like that'll happen the way I look) Maybe I just needed to get this out so that hopefully I can sleep again like a somewhat normal person. XD I've somewhat started an exercise program, hopefully I'll stick to it. I'm tired of being lonely.

Hopefully you'll see more from me. Probably a bit more star trek stuff before I get back to snupin (i have one finished fic that I really need to finish the edits on), as star trek's eaten my brain and hey... any creative product is better than NO creative product. It'll be slash (mccoy/bones ftGQw) probably...And probably more art. I've done one art so far (yay, i really want to get back into drawing again) that you can view here, don't worry it's pretty much work safe.

Sorry for the rambling, but I'm just glad I was able to make this post. And sorry, my irrational self doesn't want to LJ-CUT this. *hugs flist* Thanks for putting up with me. Maybe when I'm 26, I'll be easier to handle. ^^

Though I'm sure most of you don't read RL posts or most of my journal (since I'm rather subject focused on what I post, ^^;;), but thought I'd give a quick run-down on what's going on for anyone who doesn't check out the twitter dailes.

School's been okay, I had to drop one class but really... It was a bad class choice and I knew that from the beginning. Finished all the midterms and I know for sure I aced one (literally *hee*), passed another, and barely passed the other two. XD Excited to get into a NEW speech group, hoping there'll be more effiency and not the fail that was the last group (despite me getting to know one of the guys and liking his humor).

Grandma's been in and out of the hospital due to her lymphadema. Each time it's harder cause her veins aren't very strong and the worst is getting the needle in and it staying there without it collapsing. She's otherwise her busy little self. My brothers, as usual, are a disappointment. The one with a newborn lost his old job and is trying to hit everyone up for money even though we're all broke. >_<

Nothing new on the job front, either my credit score is too bad or people don't like the odd school hours I have (even though I'm willing to work weekends) or something. >_> Maybe I fail at that stupid 100 question psycology test that the big businesses make you take (You can sense other people's moods: strongly agree, agree, neither, disagree, strongly disagree). I applied for federal work study at college cause they're usually desperate for people. But I don't get paid more than $9 and no more than 14 hours a week if I do get anything from them *sigh*.

Oh, applied to SF State. =D They're now just waiting on my official transcripts... I guess I'll wait till this semester is over to send them. At least I'll have three of the gen ed requirements done by it. The rest will be done in Spring. I dunno if I should send them the transcripts from AI, since that's mostly art stuff and supposedly doesn't transfer anywhere. My major for State will be Japanese with maybe a minor in creative writing as they don't offer anything media arts related.

That's prettymuch it other than doing NaNoWriMo this year as you already know.. =D But that'll be for another post. XD Working on getting the LLnM winnings finished, working on getting a commishion page up for art (though if anyone wants to commish me now, I may do a few for VERY cheap so I can have some quality samples done XD).

Due to researching steampunk stuff, I found out that a playhouse will be doing a steampunk version of my favorite Shakespeare play, Twelfth Night! Saw the set pics and it looks gorgeous and I really wanna go. But it's in New York. Despite being broke, I'm considering on how I may get there.... May finally have to help my mom with her Herbalife.

Do I have any New York friends in which I could crash a weekend with? Early November... heh... Even if I don't go, anyone who are able to, here's the post I originally found about it: http://community.livejournal.com/steamfashion/1147505.html#cutid1

That's pretty much it. My life is mainly fandom and surviving school. ^^ Hope all is well with everyone *hugs*

I really need to learn to write blog entries on the spot, instead of telling myself oh I'll make a good lengthy one later. Then I never do, haha. Things have been going all right. Already just a tad bit behind schoolwork but planning to catch up by tomorrow.

Been wanting to share my creative writing exercises to y'all but havent had a chance. That class is a bit scary, having to do exercises on the spot and sometimes having to read aloud. ^^;; So not used to that heh. For the first Submit days, I handed in my two short original fics I've written before. They're the ones listed in my masterlist. I briefly glanced over the comments but really am scared to read and take in. It's the first time I've had my stories looked at by anyone professional. Any previous original stories I've done (aside from when I was 10) were always done for school so I never really had big attachments to them. This is different, they're fics I really tried to excel in. Fanfic is different, I'm not as scared when people actually do critique it cause it's not all mine obviously. I'm just tweaking known characters and situations. Well, we'll see. I may or may not post my exercises up, not sure if anyone would truly be interested.

Hating my Group Speech class... Not so much the subject matter but the group I was assigned to. Including me, we're a group of six, three girls and three boys. The girls are great and talkative. One boy actually speaks up a bit. The other two? SILENCE. Our first assignment as a group was to find out one thing we all had in common, use that to create a group name & a logo. The girls were talkative, the boys shrugged their shoulders. We even tried video games but apparently *gasp* one of them really wasn't into gaming even though the rest of us were. Two days straight and we couldn't get anything on them to agree or share. Worse than pulling teeth, I know as I have plenty experience on that. The closest we could get to was we have all been out of the country, sadly one never used an airport so we couldn't get more specific. The girls and the semi-talkative boy decided to narrow it to smuggling. We've all had smuggled something in (just the usual normal stuff, nothing illegal). Except the two boys were rather quiet. One said that he only left the country when he was a toddler and the other just shrugged and fingered his DS. We finally agreed that they would lie and make something up for the presentation. I volunteered to make the logo. You''ll see it under the cut. =D The bag used is taken from thinkgeek, rest is drawn by me. XD So we finally have a name, Smuggling Travelers! The next month is going to be hell though with the real group assignment. I feel like the girls and maybe the one boy will be doing everything. BLAH.

Math is boring but necessary, have some stupid ass hecklers in the back of the classroom. If they're loud & noisy I one more time I may have to complain to the teacher. Basically just need to make sure I understand all the materials before test times. Best way is to do the assignments and show up for class. History isn't soo boring but as I've tried to take the same class before, the first few weeks are a bit redundent. Lots of writing and reading but I hope to get it all done. No real friendly faces in this class *sigh*.

Astronomy is online and that's the class I'm really behind on cause my textbook decided to take an extra week to get to me than stated. I hope I'll be able to catch up. Love the teacher and she's kinda easy so hoepfully I'll have no problem catching up.

Dad's really pressuring me to get a job. I'd like the money but I'd rather focus on school and my online projects (LJ keeps me sane, y'all keep me sane) so I can get my degree and get a job in the field I want. Dunno, might go to Spirit on Tuesday now that the weather is better and apply. Seriously, past two weeks? Couldn't get ANYTHING done with the house being always near 90 degrees despite a fan. Not fun.

Speaking of the house, it's up for sale. The owner prolly getting too old to care about it, not like she ever did. So now we're succumbed to having to clean up our apartment at a moment's notice for potential buyer walk throughs. >_< Dunno if anyone will buy this PoS. Needs so much repairs it's ridiculous. Only reason it shouldn't be torn down as it survived the 1906 earthquake and all earthquakes since. that's pretty awesome. At any rate since we're not illegals like most of the neighborhood, if we get kicked out we'll be sure to get the monies owed to us to find a new place. Pip really wants me to move to Millbrae. If it meant spending more time with him, I'd like that. It'd be a miracle to find a place in San Francisco with min 3 bedrooms for under 1200... And that's pushing it for us. At any rate, I don't see us moving out before the end of the year.

I think tomorrow shall be Meme-Day so expect some non-sensery from me. =D Will prolly catch up on emails and comments tomorrow. *hugs flist* Oh, n2s for next post... talk about tv shows...

OH! I can't believe I almost forgot! I'm an aunty again! My 2nd oldest brother had his first kid, a whopping 10 lb baby! His name is Mauricio (*groan*) Jonathan. I'll either be calling him MJ or Johnny. =D Seen him once so far, looks like a chubby baby buddha haha. =D

( Group Logo Smuggling Travelers )

Finally done with summer session, yay! I aced my Poly-Sci Final but because I bombed the midterm I'll only be getting by with a C. And only cause the teacher knows I understood my material, as my real grade should have been a D. So thank god for that! I'm also sure I aced my other class's final but I was bad with the assignments so we'll see. Least I'll get a few weeks of sleeping in before the new semester starts.

Health wise, feels like it was a few years ago with my supposed PCOS acting up again and I'm losing too much blood. I had a package of BC still leftoever from when I was insured under my mom but that's slowly coming to an end. Going to the school clinic to see if i can get some from there so that way I can start regulating this again... My mom's afraid it's something worse with me but I'm afraid to go to a new doctor, especially general hospital... when i was so used to Kaiser (despite all the horror stories from them).

So it finally seems like the landlady wants to spruce up the house and sell it off. an inspector's coming in tomorrow to see what needs to be taken care off. personally, this decrepid house needs to just be bulldozed and start over again. my mom's thinking of trying to get a real house in Millbrae/Burlingame area for about $1800. It's almost double our current rate (but it's a full house with three bedrooms) but she thinks with it we can get rid of our storage which would help out. My dad's trying to get it so we don't have to move. I don't mind moving, obviously we can't afford the city, but if we move i *need* to have my own room. and if we stay, least shit will be fixed. well, in theory.

Still not liking how serious my mom's into with all this Jehovah Witness crap, but after a talk with Pip, I understand why it happened. It just happened to be there when we lost my niece, her granddaughter, to the government. I only wished it was a Catholic person that had helped her out instead. I mean, I'm tolerant to all religious and non religious beliefs. I'm a lazy Catholic with spiritual tendencies. It's just... *shrug*

Allrighty, time to do a quick few memes and then help my mom in writing up her first resume so that maybe she can get the managorial position at the deli at molliestone's. =D Wish us luck!

Well I'm posting this now as I probably won't be able to once midnight hits here in the west coast. I didn't get a chance to do any of the end of the year meme's but that's cool. It's been an interesting year, some ups and some downs and at least I was employed for most of it. I just pray that this coming year will be better than the past few, not just for me for for everyone else too. ^_^

Resolutions? Er, focus on school to transfer, maybe exercise...Write a whole lot more.

So I'm curious on what everyone's traditions are for New Year's. My family has two very distinct ones. That I know of, only one of them is a well known Spanish/Latin tradition.

The first is done within minutes of it hitting midnight. You eat twelve grapes and with each grape you give a resolution or wish for the new year. I believe by doing it it'll help fortify you to stay true to those wishes/resolutions.

The other, I'm not too sure how long we've been doing it, but it's quite fun. At midnight, everyone gets a tall clear glass of water and breaks an egg into it. The morning after you look at how the egg whites er... Well they tend to make patterns in the water. Whatever shapes or images first come into mind in your glass, is a prediction of the coming year. Like last year, my mom saw a plane/bird like shape and surmised she'd do a lot of traveling. Just so happened that she was successful in her sidebusiness and was able to qualify for a lot of the trips outside the state. Weird, huh. XD

Thanks again flist, for hanging around with me this past year. Let's see if we can make it through another! ^_^